I’ll never forget the day I found out the guy I was in a relationship with was not a virgin. I felt like I’d been punched in the gut. I was so in love with him and never fathomed this would be a part of our future together.
After I heard the news, I needed time to process it.
I needed time to pray. I needed to search my heart and figure out if this was something I was willing to accept. After a lot of prayer and discussion, I came to the conclusion that I was willing and able to move forward in the relationship.
Here are a few questions I considered before I made that decision:
1. Can I forgive and hold no bitterness toward him?
I realized that Christ had forgiven me of so much. I was (and still am) a sinner in need of God’s grace and forgiveness on a daily basis. Through this relationship, I was reminded of the fact that we are all sinners. I’m not perfect, and no guy I consider for marriage will be perfect either. Past sin should be taken into serious consideration, but it shouldn’t be an automatic deal breaker.
This relationship also gave me the opportunity to demonstrate Christ’s love to this young man. I was confident that the situation had been dealt with well on his end, and I felt very free to grant him my trust and forgiveness.
Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you (Eph. 4:32).
2. Am I willing to marry someone who doesn’t have the same upbringing and background as myself?
Growing up, I imagined I would marry someone who had a similar past to my own. As an adult, I now realize that may not happen. I may marry a guy who grew up very differently than me but still loves Jesus and would make a great husband. I decided I’m okay with that. I don’t have to marry someone with a story just like mine.
3. Will this be a hindrance or problem for us in our relationship?
While sin certainly has an impact, we decided this sin would not be an insurmountable obstacle if we decided to marry. I’m so thankful God’s grace is able to cover our sins and often shield us from sin’s painful repercussions.
He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities (Ps. 103:10).
A Good Lesson
As you probably know (considering I’m still single), that relationship ended, but through it, I learned so much about God’s forgiveness to me and how I can extend that toward others. I’m grateful I was given the opportunity to think and work through this whole idea of marrying a non-virgin.
If you’re considering a relationship with someone who is not a virgin (or you yourself are not one), I encourage you to continue studying, praying, and working through this topic.
If you can gain a biblical perspective on this issue, I think you will have much more clarity when you enter a relationship in the future.
I love the basic and simple advice this article has to offer:
Before dating or marrying someone who is not a virgin, a lot of discussion, thought, prayer, and reflection should happen. James 1:5 says that if you ask for wisdom, God will give it to you. Speaking with a godly friend or pastor and being involved in a Bible-teaching church will help a lot. Some churches have great pre-engagement classes that could be helpful. In some cases, before considering marriage, it might be a good idea for the person who was sexually active to get checked medically for STDs.
Most importantly, talking and praying freely and openly about these things with the person you love may reveal issues from both your pasts and give you an opportunity to deepen your relationship.
If you are asking the question, “Should I date/court a guy who isn’t a virgin?” I encourage you to talk to God about it. Pray through what you’ve just read in this post. Talk to your parents or an older, wiser woman. Get advice, and move forward prayerfully.
And if you’re interested in digging deeper into the topic of relationships, Kristen and I have an entire chapter on love and romance in our brand new book, Girl Defined: God’s Radical Design for Beauty, Femininity and Identity.
Here are a few of the questions I asked before I moved forward in my own relationship:
Were you a Christian when this happened?
Are you still in contact with the girl?
How did you go about seeking forgiveness?
What are your current thoughts on sex before marriage?
What are your plans to help us remain pure?
What kind of accountability do you have in place?
I would encourage you to come up with your own questions and make sure you have all of the facts in place before making a decision rather than having a knee-jerk reaction. Each situation is different, and each situation should be approached with prayer and consideration.
I’d love to hear from you on this topic.
Would you date/court a guy who isn’t a virgin? Why or why not?