“Do you ever feel angry at God?” “Do you wonder why God is allowing these trials to happen in your life?” “Does it feel like God is being unfair to you in some ways?” Over the past few years, I’ve received dozens of questions like these from various people. Most of them come through social media as a result of my public journey through infertility and recurrent miscarriage.
Honestly, I don’t mind these types of questions. They’re raw, honest, and gut-wrenching questions that call for an authentic answer. I’ll be the first to admit that I haven’t walked this journey perfectly. In fact, I remember crying out to God in anger during the dark hours of my most recent miscarriage asking him why?! Why would he allow me to get pregnant, build hope, and imagine the future only to remove that blessing from my life — again.
I’ve had dark moments over this past year where I’ve wrestled with God and wondered if He really cared about my life and losses.
I wondered if He actually took notice of my suffering and had any purpose in it. He felt so far away. So distant. So out of reach. I am no superhero Christian. I am just an average, everyday woman, saved by grace, trying desperately to cling to God’s Word and the truths found within.
Over this past year, I have learned that it’s okay to wrestle in our hearts with God. He is not scared by our questions or surprised by our lack of faith. As Psalm 103:14 reminds us, “For He [God] knows our frame; He is mindful that we are but dust.” He knows that we are mere humans, born into a broken world, small and frail, grasping for hope. And you know what? He is here to meet us exactly where we are.
And that is exactly what He’s done for me this past year.
He has shown Himself to be faithful in my life through my pain, grief, loss, and questions. Rather than falling away from God during this journey of infertility and recurrent loss, God has used His Word to pull me in closer. The Bible has come alive to me this past year and has become my anchor for hope like never before.
I can honestly say that these trials have strengthened my faith more than anything else in my life up to this point. And if you’re wondering how that’s possible, here are 4 specific ways that God has used infertility and loss to just that. If you’re going through a hard time, I pray this will encourage your heart too.
1. God is Near to the Brokenhearted
There are a lot of promises in the Bible, but one that has been very personal to me lately is a little verse that comes Psalm 34:18 which says, “The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” If there’s anything I’ve longed for in my spiritual life, it’s to be closer to God. And this verse is telling me that God is NEAR to the brokenhearted. That means He is drawing near to His children who are experiencing grief in a special way.
This was a profound realization for me. As I walked through my third miscarriage last year, I didn’t feel God’s nearness at first, but as time went on, I felt a deep sense of comfort and love coming from my Heavenly Father. I cried out to Him in my weakness and sorrow and He comforted me in a special way through His Word during that time. If you’re experiencing sorrow right now, use this as a unique opportunity to draw closer to God. He is near to you, even if you don’t realize it.
2. Trials Have Shown Me My Deep Need for Christ
My default personality is to be extremely independent, type A, and in control. In all honesty, I’d rather be in charge than let somebody else take the reins. When I got married, I thought my life would turn out exactly the way I imagined it. After all, the world told me that if I planned well and worked hard, I’d get what I want…right? Wrong. My recurrent miscarriages and ongoing unexplained infertility has been 100% out of my control. My life has not turned out the way I planned.
As hard as this is to acknowledge out loud, these circumstances have been very good for my heart. They have reminded me that I am not in control. That I do not hold the pen to my life. My plans are not the same as God’s plans. These trials have reminded me that I am not the King of my life, but God is. As a result, they have pushed my closer to Christ and shown me my deep need for Him. My eyes have been opened to just how much I need God’s grace, comfort, and wisdom to embrace His good plan for my life.
3. Miscarriage Has Reminded Me to Live with Eternity in Mind
Prior to my miscarriages, I didn’t think about heaven a whole lot. But after having 3 babies conceived and die in the womb, you bet my thoughts have turned heavenward a lot more. I often wonder if I’ll get to meet my babies in Heaven someday. I sure hope so. I long to see them and to know them. These losses have reminded me that there is more to come after this life. This earthly body isn’t all I’ll know. In fact, the Bible tells us that our real home is in heaven, and this earth is just a place we’re passing through. “But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, who will transform our lowly body to be like his glorious body, by the power that enables him even to subject all things to himself” (Phil. 3:21-21).
God has used my losses to remind me to live with eternity in mind. My time on this earth is so short, and my mission has been given to me by God: Proclaim the gospel and make disciples (Matt. 28). Heaven has become sweeter to me and I look forward to the day when I’ll see my Savior face to face.
4. God is Using My Pain and Loss to Minister to Others
As I’ve shared about my journey openly on social media, I have been amazed to hear from so many women who are going through similar trials. I have met so many incredible Christian women online and have been personally comforted and encouraged by them. In turn, they have also been encouraged by my journey and have grown closer in their walk with God as a result. This is truly humbling and amazing. The fact that God would allow my story to bring hope to others in their suffering is a privilege and honor and I give Him all the glory for that.
2 Cor. 1:3-4 reminds us that our suffering is not in vain, “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.”
God has opened my eyes to see that my trials aren’t just about me, but about God using them as an opportunity for me to minister to others who are going through similar things.
As hard as these trials have been, I wouldn’t change God’s story for my life.
These past 8 years have been hard, but they have also been some of the most deeply rewarding and spiritually fruitful years of my entire life. And for that reason alone, I wouldn’t change them. I don’t know what the future holds, but I know — beyond a shadow of a doubt — that whatever comes my way, God will work all things together for my good as He promises in Romans 8:28.