I think the hardest part of a breakup is the mornings that follow it. The nights are hard too, but the mornings, I think that’s when the pain is the rawest. When you’ve spent the past 6-8 hours (or 5 if you’re anything like me) sleeping in a blissful state of ignorance, and then you wake up and for the first few seconds everything is fine. And then your brain wakes up and reality comes in, and it hits you hard.
Another day of trying to make it through. Another day of trying to move on.
I’m writing to you because I’m currently going through a breakup.
It’s been a little over a month and oh how I would love to say that I’m doing completely fine and that I’ve moved past it, but that wouldn’t be true. I’m doing a lot better though that’s the truth. I’ve had good days. I feel joy, peace, comfort, and laughter. I don’t feel as sad or wake up feeling nearly as bad as I used to. But, in general, this kind of pain is one that lingers, it’s hard to completely shake it off.
I’m not sure when it will end, but I have faith that one day I won’t feel this pain as deeply or as often. I’m writing this post because I want to give you tips on how to deal with a breakup. I’m not writing because I’ve mastered getting through this breakup thing, but because I haven’t! I understand your pain because I’m right there living it with you.
So here’s what’s been helping me lately:
1. Keep yourself busy!
This might seem like an obvious one but it’s so important. When you spend your evenings scrolling through old text messages and sulking in how things used to be and running through a million “what-if” scenarios, you’re going to drain yourself.
Now, I don’t mean that you should suppress your feelings- you need to give yourself the time to grieve and mourn over what truly is a loss. But once you’ve done that, you can’t live every minute of your day sitting in those feelings. Pour your energy into serving God and His people and you won’t have time to be sad.
“Forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what is ahead. I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” – Philippians 3:13-15
“If God wants to restore that relationship He will. If not, look forward to the fact that He wants to replace that relationship and He will.” – GodlyDating101
You’ve got to distract yourself so you don’t wallow in self-pity.
The Lord wants to use this situation to grow spiritual fruits in your life; the devil wants to use this to make you focus only on the negatives, so your mind becomes filled with so much frustration, sadness, and confusion that you can’t focus on God. So, distract yourself with things that are good for your soul.
See this as an opportunity to spend more time in God’s word, build new friendships with people, surround yourself with a good community, exercise, volunteer at church, something that will benefit you/others.
Another good rule of thumb: When a sad thought comes up, tell yourself you’re not going to deal with it at that moment by setting aside 15 minutes at the end of the day where you will think about. Usually, by the time that rolls around, you’re not even thinking about it anymore.
2. Be mindful of what you listen to.
The hardest days of my breakup have been the days when I fill my ears with break up music. Sometimes it feels good to jam out to Taylor Swift songs, but remember that the more you listen to songs that are focused on trying to tear down and degrade the ex-boyfriend (or even yourself and your mistakes!), the more bitterness that is going to form inside your heart towards that person/situation.
It’s going to be a lot harder to treat that person with kindness and have a positive day when you’re listening to this kind of music. Challenge yourself in the moments when you feel like listening to those songs, to turn worship music on instead and see if it changes your day around.
3. Honor God in your interactions.
Whether you bump into each other, or you’re simply in the same room together, remember to do what is pleasing to God. I’m really struggling with this one because it’s so tempting to want to put on a façade that you’ve moved on and don’t care about the other person, but is this really showing the love of Christ?
When you’re around the other person and you’re tempted to try and make them jealous or get their attention; stop and pray about it. Is this building that person up or bringing them down? Am I trying to please my own desires or God’s desires?
Is this honoring God or is this just me trying to make myself look better?
Also be mindful that if you ended the relationship, you’ve most likely caused some wounds within that person.
Watch what you post on social media, what you say about them, etc. because you don’t want to inflict more pain onto an already hurting soul. You might not be able to undo the pain, but you can definitely cause more if you don’t filter your words and actions through the Spirit.
4. What can you learn?
Whether you ended the relationship or not, there is always a lesson to be learned. A relationship is two people, and you can’t put the blame all on one person. In order to give that person grace, you’ve got to own your part in the situation too. It’s a lot harder to forgive that person unless you can see what you could have done differently too.
Also, remember that yes this is a relationship that ended, but it does not mean that you are a failure.
God’s biggest work often times comes through our most trying circumstances.
Lastly, remember that you are human and that if you were completely fine right after a breakup, you wouldn’t be normal! You’ve got to give yourself the grace to be okay with not being okay.
Let’s Talk About It!
- What did you learn from this relationship that can help you improve your future relationship?
- How can you show kindness to that person the next time you see them?
- Whenever you’re around them try and imagine that their future spouse is in the room as well. Does that change how you act?
If you haven’t read Love Defined: Embracing God’s Vision for Lasting Love and Satisfying Relationships, you should definitely check it out!
*Guest Post Written By Robin Young. Originally published on the Girl Defined blog in May of 2017.