Jana was new to youth group and seemed to have a built in magnet for every guy who met her. She was pretty, but very quiet, which instantly created intrigue and curiosity in all the guys who saw her.
Her parents weren’t a fan of her having a boyfriend until she was older, so she didn’t take any of the guys too seriously.
Until she met Nate.
Nate was the youth pastor’s son and didn’t flock to her like the rest of the guys.
This created curiosity and intrigue in Jana and she became secretly determined to add his attention to her list.
Within a week they were friends.
Nate wasn’t what most girls would consider attractive, but he had a contagious personality which drew Jana in and captivated her. Jana began dreaming of what it would be like to have Nate for her boyfriend and imagined how exciting going on dates would be.
Not before long, Nate and Jana figured out a secret plan for how to “date” without anyone realizing it. They told their parents they were going out with a group of friends, but would secretly hang out alone.
One lie led to another, one compromise to the next, and within six months Nate and Jana had given away their virginity to one another.
Instantly shocked at what she had done, Jana was too ashamed and embarrased to tell her parents. She cried herself to sleep at night with a million questions running through her mind.
“Am I worth anything now?”
“Can God forgive me?”
“Will a godly man ever want to marry me?”
“Is it possible to have a pure future?”
“How do I recover from this?”
Jana struggled with questions like these and many more.
Have you ever felt like Jana?
We’re continually receiving emails from Christian girls just like Jana and they’re asking the same questions.
We have written many blog posts on the topics of purity and saving sex for marriage (See: Applying God’s Truth to Sex)…but what about the Christian girls who have lost their virginity? What about the girls who are already on the other side of the fence?
That is exactly what this blog post is here to address.
Whether you’re a single girl who’s given away your virginity, or you’re still a virgin, this blog will be beneficial for you to read. It will also be a great resource to forward to any girl-friends who need hope.
Our culture tells you it’s not a big deal to lose your virginity before marriage, but what they forgot to mention is the fine print.
Whether the culture likes it or not, they do not write the rule book.
God is the author, designer and creator of sex and He wrote the manual. Contrary to popular opinion, He didn’t create it to be thrown around, given away to a boyfriend, or used to fill a void (Genesis 2:24).
God created sex to be used in ONE context and one context alone – marriage (between a man and woman, I might add). Outside of that context, consequences will always follow (Hebrews 13:14). We see that in the thousands of Christian girls (and guys) who are struggling with shame, guilt, depression, insecurities, and fear as a result of “awakening love before its time (Proverbs 5:15).”
If you’re a single girl who has given away your virginity, you will reap some undesired consequences for your sin; but all hope is not lost for your future.
A broken past doesn’t mean a broken future. Like any sin, the Bible offers you freedom and a restored future if you follow God’s plan. By taking the proper steps of confession, repentance, and forgiveness, you can restore your future.
Although you will never regain your virginity, you can regain your hope.
I know of a Christian woman who gave away her virginity as a teen, but then followed the Bible’s steps to freedom and went on to live an abundant life for Christ. She married a pastor and now works in a wonderful Christian ministry.
Praise God that He is in the restoration business!
If you’re a single girl who has given away your virginity and you would like to find hope for your future, doing the following 8 steps is a great place to start.
1. Confess your sin to God.
The very first step to overcoming your past sin is to confess it to God. Pray and sincerely confess your sin to God and verbally acknowledge to Him that you have disobeyed His Word and have sinned against Him.
I also urge you to confess your sin to a parent, godly leader, or trusted mentor. As a young adult, you have most likely disobeyed your parents with your actions, so confessing your sin to them is essential in the process to recovery. James 5:16 says, “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed.”
2. Ask God to forgive you.
Once you have confessed your sins, ask God to forgive you. If you are sincere, He promises to give you complete forgiveness. 1 John 1:9 says, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” Did you catch that last part? God IS faithful to cleanse YOU from all unrighteousness. What a hopeful promise!
3. Repent of your sin and change your actions.
Once you openly confess your sins and ask God to forgive you, the next step is to repent. In the Bible, the word repent literally means “to change one’s mind.” You need to consciously change your mind about your view of sex and make sure your beliefs line up with God’s. The Bible also tells us that true repentance will result in a change of actions (Luke 3:8-14; Acts 3:19). From this point on, your actions should reflect a girl who is striving for purity.
4. Get to the root of where you went wrong.
Having sex outside of marriage is usually just a symptom of a much deeper issue. You need to examine your life and ask yourself, “where did I go wrong?”
What was your main problem?
– You were in rebellion?
– Your relationship with God was weak or nonexistent?
– You didn’t understand God’s instructions regarding sex?
– You gave into peer pressure?
– You chose a bad boyfriend?
– You were in a secret relationship?
– You didn’t have moral boundaries in your life?
– You were confused about the meaning of love?
– You wanted to “feel” like someone really loved you?
– A romance novel/movie enticed you to get sexually active?
Did any of the above reasons contribute to where you went wrong? If so, don’t make those same mistakes again. It’s the little things that slowly drive us towards big sins. Get to the root of your problems and attack the core issues head on. Make better decisions in the future so you don’t reap the same consequences.
5. Cut off bad influences.
Whether it’s a bad boyfriend, group of friends, Facebook friends, Snapchat friends, bad movies, bad music, bad books, bad magazines, etc., I highly encourage you to remove yourself from them/it. Nothing will pull you down quicker than bad influences in your life. I realize this might seem extreme to you, but extreme situations call for extreme measures (Matthew 5:29). This is essential for walking in lasting freedom.
6. Create boundaries in your life.
This is a very important step to take. So many well-intentioned girls find themselves in a crazy cycle of making the same big mistakes over and over again. If you sincerely followed steps 1-5, then step 6 is a MUST.
Without boundaries in your life, you’re like a sports coach who doesn’t give his team any directions. Without a game plan and a goal, the players are left to figure things out as they go. This rarely results in a win. Your life works the same way.
With the help of a parent, godly leader, or wise mentor, create a set of boundaries and guidelines that will help you succeed (i.e. I will never be alone with a guy, I will not kiss another guy until marriage, I won’t stay out late on the weekends, etc.).
7. Seek Accountability.
Once you create boundaries, you will need to stick to them to be successful. Flying solo is never a good idea. Ask a godly Christian woman to hold you accountable to your boundaries. Show her your list and schedule follow up phone calls or in person get-togethers on a weekly or monthly basis.
This might be awkward for you at first, but you need to be courageous enough to do whatever it takes to have victory. Walking in freedom from your sin will not be easy at first…that is why an accountability partner is necessary. They will be your “alert” button when you get close to the edge.
8. Fill your mind with truth.
For the past (however many) years you have probably been filling your mind with the world’s messages about love and romance. It’s time to cut off bad those influences and fill your mind with God’s truth. I highly encourage to do a google search on what the Bible says about marriage, purity, and sexuality. Read those verses over and over again.
In addition, I highly encourage you to grab a copy of one, or all of the following books:
- And the Bride Wore White: Seven Secrets to Sexual Purity By: Dannah Gresh
- Meet Mr. Smith: Revolutionize the Way You Think about Sex, Purity, and Romance By: Eric and Leslie Ludy
- Sex Is Not the Problem (Lust Is) By: Joshua Harris
If you are serious about finding freedom from your sin of premarital sex, then I can’t urge you enough to take those 8 steps to heart.
Now, I know that every situation is different and some are more complicated than others. So I also encourage you to seek some wise counseling from a godly woman in your area.
The consequences of sex outside of marriage can be very complicated to work through sometimes (pregnancy, disease, broken relationships, etc.) and I can’t address everything in one blog. That is why a wise woman in your local area will be essential in helping you reclaim your future.
As I wrap up this blog I want to leave you with some final, encouraging thoughts.
No matter where you’ve been and what you’ve done in your past, God will forgive you if you ask Him. Your life is broken from sin and so is mine. We all desperately need God to help us everyday.
Satan wants to trap you in feelings of worthlessness, depression, and despair, but don’t get stuck there! You CAN be restored and you CAN walk in freedom from your past sin.
God never gives up on us.
You still have the opportunity to marry a Godly man someday. You still have the opportunity to be used by God in a mighty way. You still have the opportunity to have a pure future from this day forward.
“He will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the LORD has planted for His own glory” (Isaiah 61:3).
I hope this post has been helpful and encouraging to you! I know this was a heavy topic, but I pray it will give you the hope God promises for your future.
I’m cheering for you girl!
Please interact with me in the comment section below with any additional questions, thoughts or ideas. I’d love to hear from you.
Photo Credit: Ed Yourdon