Feelings of heartbreak, sadness and fear swept over me as I scanned the mountain range. I breathed in the fresh air hoping the great outdoors would do me some good. Life was hard at this moment in time. Like really really hard.
I was in my early/mid-twenties and completely distraught over a life changing decision.
To move forward in my relationship and get married, or, to end the relationship and enter back into singleness. Deep in my heart, I knew what I had to do. I knew I couldn’t continue the relationship out of fear and/or desperation. I knew I couldn’t get married out of the fear that this guy was “the last boat leaving the island of singleness.”
After much praying, crying, and more crying, I finally surrendered my hopes and dreams to the Lord and said, “not my will but yours be done.”
Days later the relationship ended.
The days that followed this breakup were some of the most transforming moments in my life. I went from being a girl who placed so many of her hopes and dreams on marriage, guys and a relationship status, to a girl who was desperate to find rest and contentment in the Lord.
God has been so good to me over the past few years and has given me an abundance of peace, rest, and contentment as a single girl. Despite the fact that the past several years have been a “guy drought” of sorts, those years have truly been some of the most fruitful in my life.
I imagine that many of you are thinking (or have thought), “I don’t want to give up the guy because he might be the last option.” You don’t want to give him up because he might be your final hope.
You want to be married. You want to be in a relationship. You want the guy. You want the attention.
Singleness sounds like a nightmare to you and you are considering “settling for the guy” to avoid heartbreak and sadness. You feel desperate. You feel sad. You feel fearful. You worry about your future.
I get it. I remember those feeling all too well. And that is why I’m writing to you.
I don’t want you to settle for a guy out of fear and/or desperation. I don’t you to justify a guy’s poor character because you like the relationship status. I don’t want you to compromise on your convictions because the guy flatters you. I don’t’ want you to marry a mediocre guy because you’re fearful it will be “the last boat off the island of singleness.”
Whether it’s a current relationship, a potential relationship, or an unknown future relationship, I want you to consider these three things:
1. Am I willing to seek out and listen to outside counsel?
If I had not sought out and listened to the wise counsel around me, I would have made very foolish relationship choices. Although I didn’t appreciate the wisdom offered in the moment, I’m deeply grateful for it today. I challenge you to seek out and listen to outside counsel. Ask your parents for their input. Consider the wisdom they have to offer. Ask a wise older woman to mentor you through the relationship and seriously take to heart what she has to say.
Don’t assume that you are all-knowing and will make the best decision. Trust the wisdom around you and seriously consider the advice of those who love you most.
2. Are you holding the relationship with open hands?
My hands were closed tight in a death grip for many many months. I wanted what I wanted and I wasn’t willing to give it up. It took me months and months to finally open my hands and say, “not my will but yours be done.”
I challenge you to evaluate your heart and ask yourself if you are holding your relationship/guy interest with an open hand or a closed grip. Do you truly desire God’s will above all else? Or, do you just want what you want? If you truly desire God’s will above all else, you need to relinquish control. You need to be willing to give up the relationship/guy if that needs to happen. Open your hands and say, “not my will but yours be done.”
3. Are you willing to be honest about the guy?
I’ll never forget my parents telling me, “a guy isn’t who he ‘says’ he is, he’s who his actions say he is.” Basically, talk is cheap, let’s see some action to back up your words. We, as girls, are the queens of making excuses for the guy we are interested in.
He didn’t really mean it.
He said he was sorry.
He will do better next time.
He has a good heart.
We go on-and-on making up excuses and somehow convince ourselves the guy isn’t as bad as he appears. It’s time to be totally honest about your dude. Don’t’ sugarcoat his actions. Don’t justify his behavior. Don’t imagine him to be the guy you dream of him to be. Accept the facts of who he is right now. Be totally honest about his strengths and weaknesses. Base your views of his character on facts, not emotions.
My prayer is that you will have a heart that fully desires to honor God in this area. That you will hold your relationships and relationship status with an open hand. That you will truly and honestly say, “not my will but yours be done.”
Here is the prayer I penned the day after I ended my relationship. I encourage you to make it your prayer as well.
Taken word-for-word from my journal.
Lord, I surrender my hopes, dreams, expectations and desires to you. I pray you will fill me with wisdom and help me to follow hard after you. Please open my eyes to the truth and help me to seek you as I would buried treasure. Lord, you have such a better plan for me than I do. Please help me to run to you and seek your will above my own. Show me the truth and give me comfort. Please help me to run to you and focus on you. Amen!
If you want more on this topic, I recommend watching my video How to Find True Joy and Contentment as a Single Girl
Let’s talk about it.
Do you need to get honest about your current relationship?
Are you willing to make this prayer your own?
How do you line up with the three questions?