When it comes to addressing the topic of sexual intimacy and sexual desire, most of the posts we write on this blog are geared toward single women. This is because the central focus of our blog is to equip single women to gain a biblical understanding in all areas of life. However, we also get a lot of emails from married women who follow Girl Defined, so we thought a post written directly to our married sisters would be helpful too.
I (Kristen) have been married for almost 8 years now to my husband, Zack.
One of the areas of sweet blessing and sanctification that we have both experienced within marriage is in the area of sexual intimacy. Prior to marriage, sex was something I waited for and anticipated with every fiber of my being. And it was worth the waiting too!
Now, on the other side of marriage, I am learning that a vibrant and Christ-centered marriage takes intentional work in the area of sexual intimacy. It’s an area of marriage that can easily fall by the wayside if not taken seriously. It’s an area that takes sacrificial pursuit, genuine love, and honest communication to thrive in.
So, for all of my married sisters out there, this encouragement is for you and for me. I want to share with you a few things that I believe every married woman needs to know (and be reminded of) about sex.
1. Sex was God’s Genius Idea.
With Hollywood and Nashville constantly pumping out movies and music about sex, it can be easy to lose sight of who actually came up with the idea. The world has taken God’s genius and beautiful design and stolen the script. God is the creator and inventor of sex and He has an intentional and specific purpose for it.
As I say in my new book, Sex, Purity, and the Longings of a Girl’s Heart:
“When God created Adam and Eve, He created them for marriage and for covenant (Heb. 13:4; Gen. 2:24; Prov. 5:15). Inside of the marriage covenant, He then gave them sex as a way to celebrate their covenant love. God designed sex to be a physical celebration of the love, commitment, and vulnerability they shared within marriage. Not only is sex a beautiful celebration of the marriage covenant, God also designed it to deepen the bond between a husband wife.”
Sex is God’s good gift to be passionately enjoyed for pleasure, procreation, intimacy, and bonding within marriage. It’s a gift for all of, as married women, to enjoy!
2. Sex is a Gift for Women Just as Much for Men
I find it very interesting (and sad) how our society promotes and celebrates sex for single women…but once a woman actually gets married, the party is over. No more celebration. No more cheering her on. No more passion. Sex is then portrayed as a “man’s need” and something that wives must endure within marriage. This narrative is extremely wrong and completely backward.
Sex was created for married people. God created sex to be celebrated and enjoyed by a husband and a wife. Passion, ecstasy, and pleasure are gifts for both the man and the woman to fully enjoy! Just read the book of the Song of Solomon and you will be quickly reminded that sex is a gift for the woman as much as it is for the man.
Rather than succumbing to our society’s false narrative surrounding sex, let’s be women who choose to celebrate God’s good gifts and fully enjoy what He has given to us within marriage.
3. True Intimacy is Worth Fighting For
Before I got married, I naively thought that married couples enjoyed mind-blowing sex every single night. I assumed that marital sex took little effort and little intentionality. Then, shortly after getting married, I discovered that sexual intimacy would take hard work to grow and maintain.
As I say in, Sex, Purity, and the Longings of a Girl’s Heart:
“As married women, you and I both know that true marital intimacy takes hard work and intentionality. And as a result, I believe the Enemy is working overtime to keep us from being intentional in this area. He is doing whatever He can to draw us away from true intimacy with our husband. His goal is to put a wedge between us. To create a heart of discontentment and boredom within our own marriage.”
One of the ways I see the enemy deceiving us, as married women, is to believe the lie that there’s no danger in “outsourcing” a little passion and excitement. Whether it’s pornography, erotica, flirting with other men, or something else…the enemy is working overtime to draw us away from our husbands and away from authentic intimacy. Hear me out sisters: Sinful pleasures are never worth it. Bypassing God’s design for sex and intimacy will never produce lasting satisfaction in your heart. It will destroy your marriage and your relationship with God.
Trust in God’s good plan. Lean into your marriage and pursue passion with your husband. Fight for true intimacy no matter the cost. It’s worth the fight!
Whether you’ve been married for 3 months or 30 years, I pray you will never stop growing in your understanding of God’s good design for sex and intimacy.
Cultivating a vibrant sex-life within marriage isn’t going to happen by accident. It takes intentionality, sacrifice, open-communication, and genuine love. I pray you will join me in starting a counter-revolution of married women who love our husbands with passion, purpose, and spice. I also hope you’ll grab a copy of Sex, Purity, and the Longings of a Girl’s Heart to continue learning about God’s design for sexual intimacy. This book was written for us, as married women, just as much for single women. I think you’ll really enjoy it!
Now, I’d love to hear from you below:
- As a married woman, what lies are you tempted to believe about sex?
- What can you do to intentionally grow your level of intimacy within marriage?