Is porn a major problem today? Yes. Does porn have to destroy every family, every relationship, and every marriage? Absolutely not.
This is a heavy topic and requires us to slow down and consider how porn impacts relationships. It’s naive to assume that an addiction to porn will go away once you get married.
Take the time on this side of the alter to seek counsel for your relationship. There is no rush. That’s what the dating stage of the relationship is for.
What is God’s design for women? In a world that is constantly redefining our worth and identity, we need to know that the only one who can define us is the One who designed us. The Girl Defined Show is for Christian girls everywhere, offering a distinctly God-centered view of beauty, femininity, identity, and worth. Join Kristen and Bethany every Monday for a hope-filled, counter-cultural, and totally down-to-earth conversation about God’s radically better vision for femininity.
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Megan met Josh through a young adults group at her church and had been going out with him for several weeks. One evening while having coffee with Josh, he confessed to her that he currently struggles with pornography and is trying really hard to stop. Megan wasn’t sure how to process this information and went home with a conflicted heart. She hated the thought of Josh viewing pornography, but didn’t know if it was a big enough deal to end the relationship.
What would you do if you were Megan? How harmful is pornography to a developing relationship?
A recent survey found that 75% of young Christian men (18-30 years old) view porn at least “several times a month,” and 61% say at least “several times a week.” Sadly, what those statistics tell young single women is that 3 out of the 4 Christian guys they meet struggle with porn on a regular basis.
Porn is destroying thousands of relationships because it’s the type of sin that always promises satisfaction with just one more look. In marriage, it creates an ever-growing wedge between the physical and emotional intimacy of the husband and wife.
As Luke Gilkerson of Covenant Eyes points out:
“Pornography doesn’t teach men to serve, honor, and cherish their wives in a way that fosters romance. Pornography trains men to be consumers, to treat sex as a commodity, to think about sex as something on-tap and made-to-order. As Dr. Mary Anne Layden writes, ‘It is toxic miseducation about sex and relationships.’”
Porn destroys relationships because it replaces real-life intimacy with a selfish, lust-saturated version of intimacy. It replaces real life relationships with a one-way, pleasure-on-demand, non-committal act that treats image-bearers as lust-satisfying objects.
Some single girls think their boyfriend’s porn struggle will simply go away once they have access to sexual intimacy within marriage. However, this has proven to be false by countless marriage testimonies. If a guy or girl views marriage as a porn-replacement they will be very disappointed. Why? Because marriage satisfies a sex drive, not a porn drive.
It might appear to help the problem at first, but before long, it will come back. Porn is an addictive sin that will not be satisfied long-term with any alternatives, including marriage. Unless this sin is dealt with biblically from the root up, it will always come back.
While your boyfriend may be honest about his struggle, things could be a lot worse than they appear. Although Josh appeared to be open and honest about his porn struggle to Megan, objects in the mirror are often larger than they appear. So often a porn addiction is just the tip of the iceberg. There may be many deep rooted issues and a warped view of love and sex.
If your boyfriend admits to having a problem with porn, I would encourage you to find out more. If possible, ask your dad or a godly older man go out with him to find out more about the extent of his struggle.
Find out answers to questions like, when did he first view porn? How often has he viewed porn since then? Did he grow up in a home with porn? What kind of porn does he currently view? How harmful does he think porn is to a marriage? What is he doing, if anything, to find lasting freedom from porn?
Understanding the depth and extent of his porn struggle is very important in helping you (along with wise counsel) know how to handle the situation.
My advice to women like Megan would be tailored for her specific situation, but would ultimately have the same conclusion: I do not think it is wise to enter into or remain in a dating relationship with a guy who is currently struggling with porn.
It’s one thing if it is far in his past, but it’s a completely different scenario if he is currently struggling with it. Before you view me as insensitive or harsh, I encourage you to read some of the many blog posts on Covenant Eyes and you will quickly see the devastating effects porn has on a relationship. With those statistics and case studies in mind, I believe it is wise to end the relationship until he is able to find victory and freedom from his porn habits.
Now, this doesn’t mean that you suddenly dump him in a harsh way, or make him feel like he’s a lesser human because of his struggle. Please be kind, gracious, and loving in how you communicate this decision to him. Help him to see that it will ultimately be in both of your best interests if you end the relationship in order to give him space to seek help. Porn is a heavy struggle, and he needs help from a godly man, counselor, or mentor, rather than a girlfriend. Maybe God will bring you back together someday, but for now, you can trust God by taking a faithful next step.
Do you think it would be wise to continue moving down the relationship path towards marriage with a guy who is currently struggling to be faithful to you? Does it seem wise to enter into a holy covenant to become “one” with a guy who is committing virtual adultery on a regular basis? I know what I’m saying isn’t easy and will require a lot of prayer, wisdom, grace, and godly input.
I encourage you to get wise counsel from your pastor or a godly older woman on how to handle your specific situation best. And if you find that you’re the person struggling with porn in the relationship, my advice would be the same. End the relationship for now in order to give yourself time, space, and clarity to pursue biblical counsel for your struggle. And if you want to start digging into a great resource right now, I highly recommend grabbing a copy of our book, Sex, Purity, and the Longings of a Girl’s Heart.
Is porn a major problem today? Yes. Does porn have to destroy every family, every relationship and every marriage? Absolutely not.
Having a good heart-to-heart talk early on in the relationship about this issue will help you and your significant other get on the same page. Discussing both of your expectations, beliefs about porn, plan for purity, etc. will help you know where the other person stands. It will also show the value and importance you both place on cultivating a porn-free relationship.
To help you get started on having deeper conversations in your relationships, download our free PDF called 136 Questions to Ask in a Relationship.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this deep topic. Feel free to ask any questions or share any comments that you have below!
You’ve liked him for a while, but you’re just not sure if he likes you back. Should you do anything, or just wait?
This is one of the most popular questions we get from girls all around the world. And we get it, because we were there once too.
So join us for this fun conversation, as we unpack what to do and what not to do, and how to navigate this question in a mature way. We’ll also share with you the #1 way to know for sure if your crush likes you back.
I remember having my first ever crush on a guy. His name, “boy in jeans shorts.” Okay. That wasn’t his real name. I don’t actually know what his real name was. I just remember seeing him from a distance and falling in love.
It didn’t matter that I was just a kid at the time. My heart was swooning for this boy that always wore denim shorts. We never talked. We never even looked at each other. I just crushed on him contentedly from afar.
I was still somewhat content to crush on guys from a distance. A smile or a look in my direction was enough to satisfy me for a few weeks at least. It would give me and my girlfriends something to talk for a minute.
Then I hit my single years (life past my 18th bday).
I was no longer content crushing from afar. I wanted a relationship. I wanted my crush to notice me. To pursue me. To get to know me. And to maybe even marry me. I didn’t want a glance or a smile. I wanted a date. I wanted a relationship.
The day came when I found myself crushing on Dav (my now husband) hardcore. I liked this guy. He was fun, funny, kind, engaging, a great conversationalist, cute, and interesting. I liked being his friend. But after a while, I wasn’t content just being friends.
Have you ever been there? Have you ever had a crush on a guy that you so desperately wanted to move past the crush phase and transform into a relationship? Have you ever had a crush on a guy, but you weren’t even sure if he knew you existed?
Crushes are simple and totally complicated at the same time.
On the one hand, it should be easy to deal with. If he asks you on a date, he likes you back. If he doesn’t, move on and consider the other options. But, it just doesn’t work that way. The heart is so much more complicated than that. It’s not as easy as telling yourself to move on if a guy doesn’t seem to show interest back. You can’t force feelings to go away with the snap of a finger.
If you find yourself in a situation where you’re really admiring, liking, dreaming, and hoping for a relationship with a certain guy, I have a few suggestions for you.
Seriously, ask yourself what you find so attractive about this particular guy? Is it his character? Do you have a friendship with and know him on a somewhat personal level? Is it strictly his looks? What’s making your heart swoon and your heart beat faster?
If you don’t really know the guy, maybe you should make the effort to be his friend. Introduce yourself. Ask some questions. Get to know what he’s interested in and how he spends his time. The more you get to know him, the more you’ll be able to make an informed decision as to whether or not you should continue hoping for a relationship with him.
If your crush is based on his looks alone, I would strongly recommend taking your thoughts captive and not allowing yourself to fantasize about this guy.
It can be so easy to take our initial attraction and interest in a guy to a much deeper level. If we’re not careful, attraction can easily turn into hours of dreaming about a future with this guy. The dreaming can quickly turn into sexual fantasy and before we know it, we’re on the honeymoon. The only problem, it’s all in the mind.
If you’re in this place, I encourage you to repent and ask God to create in you a pure heart. Come up with a strategy to get your mind focused on something more God-honoring. Meditate on Psalm 51:10. Read a solid Christian book (Love Defined). Start a prayer journal. Find ways to occupy your mind and redirect your thoughts towards something more Christ-centered and pure.
Maybe you’ve done all the things. You’ve gotten to know him. You even have a friendship with him. You know for a fact that he’s an amazing godly guy. He seems awesome in every way… minus the fact that he hasn’t asked you out. Ahhh that’s the hardest place to be. When you like a really godly guy, but you’re not sure if he has any interest. My advice, be patient, and trust God.
Don’t manipulate the situation. Don’t spam his IG with dozens of messages. Don’t stalk his social media page. Don’t force it.
Pray and ask God to guide you both. Ask God for the strength to trust this area of your life to Him. Pray Proverbs 3:5-6 and meditate on it. If this guy is genuinely interested, I can guarantee that he will eventually speak up. And if he doesn’t, he’s not the one for you. Open up your hands and surrender your crush. Trust that God wants what’s better for you than you even want for yourself.
When you focus on serving God, it helps you keep your mind on eternal things. It keeps you living and thriving. It keeps you doing what you’re made to do. Using your life to serve God is one of the best solutions to dealing with or getting over a crush. Don’t believe me? Try it for yourself.
Remember that having a crush isn’t a good or bad thing in and of itself. The attraction is a good and normal part of God’s design for us. It matters what you do with that crush. Don’t allow your feelings to lead you, choose to lead your feelings. Choose to direct your thoughts.
Choose to honor God in this area of your life.
Each year on Halloween day, sensual and seductive costumes become the norm for girls and women everywhere. But as Christians, how should we approach this popular trend?
Is it fine to wear these sexy outfits…even if it’s just for one day?
Join Kristen, Rebekah, and Suzanna for a special edition this week as they dive into this hot-topic conversation!
Stick around until the end and share your thoughts with us below.
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