Popular Christian Advice That’s Actually Unbiblical

During the past 8 years of my journey through infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss, I have been given a lot of advice and input from all sorts of people. I honestly don’t mind this because I know most people are well meaning. They’re showing their care and love for me by offering words of encouragement and hope. I genuinely appreciate that.

However, in the midst of this, I’ve seen a repeated pattern that has caught my attention. Over and over again I’ve been given positive, hope-filled words of advice and encouragement from kind and well meaning Christians that isn’t rooted in God’s truth.

Now, please don’t hear me say that I’m ungrateful for these people or look down on them in any way.

I absolutely don’t. I genuinely love and appreciate them. But the well meaning words they’re sharing with me aren’t pointing my heart to the true hope of the gospel — which is what my heart truly needs.

As Christians, it’s super easy for any of us to fall into this trap. I’ve been there myself plenty of times. We have a family member or friend going through a hard time, and we want to offer words of hope to them. So, we revert to giving advice and counsel that sounds really good and encouraging, but isn’t actually rooted in Scripture.

I call this type of encouragement, Fluffy Feel-Good advice.

Fluffy Feel-Good advice often comes from a genuine heart of care, but isn’t grounded in the truths of God’s Word.

For example, I’ve had so many well meaning people tell me things like, “God will give you a baby in His perfect timing!” Or, “Your desire for parenthood is a clear indication that God has that for you down the road.” Or, “Just be patient, your time will come.” Or, “Keep praying for children and God will give you the desires of your heart.”

While each one of these positive sentiments are well meaning, they’re actually unbiblical Fluffy Feel-Goods. They offer short term hope, but not lasting peace and trust in God’s sovereignty. Each one of these comments offers a promise that God hasn’t made to me. If I bank my hope on a promise that God will give me children some day, what happens if that day never comes? Is God a liar? Is God unfaithful? That’s why this type of encouragement is so dangerous.

I’ve been personally guilty of dishing out my own Fluffy Feel-Goods on many occasions.

One of the most common situations I’ve been guilty of doing this is toward single women. These women are wrestling with singleness and longing to get married. In an effort to offer hope-filled counsel, I’ve said things like, “Most girls get married eventually…it’ll definitely happen to you someday.” And, “I didn’t get married right away, so don’t worry, it’ll happen!” Also, “Girl, enjoy the season of singleness! You’ll get married eventually.”

Again, these hope-filled sentiments sound so good, right? But sadly, they’re offering promises that God hasn’t made. These single women might not ever get married. And even if they do, their hope shouldn’t be centered on a husband. By giving this advice, I’m encouraging these women to place their hope on getting married someday rather than on God.

The biggest danger of giving fluffy feel-good counsel is that it places our hope on something other than Jesus.

This will ultimately do more harm than good for that person. This is why we, as Christians, need to be so careful with the well meaning advice and counsel we give to others. We need to ask ourselves if we’re making promises that God hasn’t made. We need to examine our advice to see if it’s rooted in Scripture. We need to evaluate our words to see whether or not we’re pushing people toward hoping in God or hoping in their circumstances.

Rather than offering ***Fluffy Feel-Goods, I want to challenge each one of us to offer Gospel-Centered Hope.***

By offering Gospel-Centered Hope, we will be doing a true act of service to our fellow Christian sisters. Instead of promising her things God has never promised, we will be helping her to put her full hope and trust in God regardless of whether or not her circumstances ever change.

Instead of telling the single woman that she’ll get married someday, we can tell her that God loves her and has a good plan for her life whether that includes marriage or not.

“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28).

We can encourage her to find peace by trusting in God’s plan for her life.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Phil. 4:6-7).

Instead of promising the infertile couple that God will bless them with a baby someday, we can remind them that God cares for them and is with them in the midst of their pain. “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18). We can encourage them that God loves them and will fulfill His good purpose in their life whether that includes children or not. “The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever” (Psalm 138:8).

No matter what someone is going through, we can offer Gospel-Centered Hope to them from God’s Word.

We can help them see God’s faithfulness and trustworthiness in the midst of their challenging circumstances. This sort of advice and counsel is what brings lasting hope and peace to hurting hearts. Rather than offering up positive Fluffy Feel-Good advice, I want to encourage all of us to be Christian women who look to God’s word for counsel and offer gospel hope to the women in our lives.

May our words lead struggling and parched hearts to the satisfying Source of lasting hope.

May our counsel be rooted in the rock solid promises of Scripture. May our encouragement point others to the Almighty Healer who binds wounds and heals broken hearts. And in those moments when we don’t know what to say, may the words of Proverbs 3:5-6 be our guide, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.”

I’d love to chat with you below!

What “Fluffy Feel-Goods” have you been guilty of offering to others, or have others offered to you?
What long-term problems can come from offering hope that isn’t gospel centered?

PS I created a free resource called “15 Verses to Give Hope During Hard Times” and you can download it for free. To grab a copy of this free printable PDF, click here.

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March 9, 2020 by Kristen Clark

What to Look for When Trying to Find a Mentor

I wanted a mentor in life. I understood the value of having a godly older woman pour into me and offer me wisdom. I didn’t need convincing. I just couldn’t think of a woman who fit the bill.

It took me several years (yes, years) of praying before I finally found my mentor.

Having the opportunity to sit under the wisdom of a godly woman is a huge blessing.

It’s something I hope you have (or will soon have) in your life. I was so encouraged by my mentor throughout my relationship with Dav. She was there for me before Dav and I started dating. She was there for me during our relationship. She and her husband even did some pre-engagement and pre-marital counseling with us. And she’s been there for us since the wedding.

The wisdom that she’s been able to offer me has been priceless.

Life is hard. Life is confusing. Life isn’t clear-cut or black-and-white.

The Bible is our source of wisdom and truth. The Bible instructs us to have a personal relationship with God, to trust in the Lord with all our hearts, to be in prayer and communication with God, to spend time in the Word seeking what He’s written for us, and pursue wisdom from those that have more experience than us.

Life is a journey and God has given us all of the tools we need to navigate each step.

Don’t try to figure life out on your own. Don’t look to social media, magazines, movies, or music to be your guide. Don’t only surround yourself with peers. Instead, take some time to begin praying and asking God to provide a godly older woman to mentor you. It’s been a huge help in my own life and I’m convinced it will be the same for you.

Here are several things to consider as you begin the process of finding a mentor.

1. Don’t look for a perfect mentor.

If you’re looking for the perfect mentor, you will never find her. No one is perfect but God. He chooses to use flawed people to advance His Kingdom. When I was looking for a mentor, I knew I wasn’t looking for a perfect woman. I didn’t want a perfect woman to mentor me. I wanted a mentor who’d experienced the hard realities of life and was still choosing to follow God. I wanted a real, honest, down-to-earth, relatable woman to mentor me.

The greatest mentor/mentee relationships happen when the mentor looks at the mentee and says, “I don’t have all of the answers. I don’t know everything there is to know. But, I do know this. I love God. I love His Word. And I want to link arms with you and pull you closer to Him.”

If you can find a mentor with this kind of heart, you will have a wonderful mentor/mentee relationship.

2. Look for a mentor who’s actively serving the Lord.

Look around and take note of any women who are actively serving the Lord. Whether that’s at home with her kids, leading a small group at church, serving in the youth group or singles ministry, leading a Christian book study, mentoring other young women, or just faithfully serving in the season God has her in. Look for that woman. She is the type of woman you are going to want to be taught by.

3. Look for a mentor within your local church.

When it comes to actually find and asking a woman to mentor you, I encourage you to start by looking in your local church. If you’re not actively involved in a local church, I challenge you to make that your first priority. The local body of believers is God’s good design for us to thrive within. Make sure you’re involved in a church before you find/ask someone to mentor you.

Once you’re in a local Bible-believing church, take a look around you. Do you see any godly women? Do you know any of them personally? Have you taken steps towards getting involved in a small group or women’s study to help you get to know the women within your church? Take steps towards getting more involved so that you can better get to know the women in your church.

If you’re already involved and know several godly women, begin praying and asking God who you should ask. Carefully consider what you’re hoping to gain out of a mentoring relationship and look for someone who can fulfill that role in your life.

4. Look for a long-distance mentor.

Maybe you’ve exhausted the options in your community and church. You still can’t seem to find someone willing or able. That’s okay. My mentor recently moved and no longer lives close by. We can still maintain a mentoring relationship thanks to texting, phone calls, email, Facetime, Skype etc. There are so many ways to have a thriving long-distance mentoring relationship. Don’t allow distance to keep you from finding a mentor.

I know a young woman who searched long and hard for a local mentor. She just couldn’t seem to find someone who lived nearby. She did happen to know a godly woman who lived in another state. Instead of giving up and quitting, she called up this woman and asked her to be her mentor. This older woman agreed and they have a wonderful long-distance mentoring relationship.

5. Take a bold step and ask her.

Once you’ve considered the first four points I’ve listed above, It’s time to be bold and just ask her. Kristen wrote a great blog post walking you through the exact steps she took to ask her mentor to mentor her. Check that out to help you know exactly what to do.

How I Found a Godly Woman to Mentor Me

This is where the rubber meets the road. You can have a woman in mind, but if you don’t take that bold step and ask her to mentor you, it won’t ever happen. If you truly desire to have a godly woman in your life to mentor you, then it’s time to take that bold step. Read Kristen’s blog post for help on how to make that ask.

Taking mentorship and making it personal.

We have talked about mentorship extensively here at Girl Defined Ministries. We are very passionate about women-mentoring-women and growing in their relationship with God as a result. Here are several posts on this topic to help you continue learning and growing in this area. Leave a comment below with any additional thoughts or questions. We’d love to help make the idea of mentorship a reality in your life.

What I’ve Learned from Mentoring My Younger Sister

How I Found a Godly Woman to Mentor Me

How to Mentor and Disciple Another Girl

How We Found Godly Women to Mentor Us

You’re invited!!

If you want to learn and grow in your relationship with God, I’m inviting you to join Kristen and myself for our brand new 8-week online mentorship course. This is an exclusive opportunity for you to join us in being mentored in the most personal way possible

Join the Online Mentorship Course

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March 2, 2020 by Bethany Beal

Christian Girl’s Guide to Having Personal Devotions

If you find it easier to scroll through your social media accounts than to sit down and have your quiet time, you’re not alone. The struggle is real!

As Christians, we know we should be prioritizing our time in the Word, but we can’t seem to make it happen.

We battle this everyday too.

As hard as it is to faithfully have personal devotions, we have discovered some basic pitfalls that keep us from sitting down and being still.

If you need some practical help, biblical guidance, and just plain old encouragement, this video is for you!

February 26, 2020 by Kristen Clark and Bethany Beal

4 Reasons You’re Struggling to Have a Consistent Quiet Time

The struggle is real. I feel it every single week. Almost every time I sit down to read my Bible and pray, I feel a vortex of distraction coming at me from every direction. Can you relate? Having a focused and consistent quiet time is a battle most Christians face. If you’re in a place of struggle right now, this post will be really helpful for you.

As Christians, we know that the Bible is our source of truth, wisdom, and direct access to the voice of God…but even with that, we find it hard to sit down and be still in His presence. In my personal opinion, I think the problem is two-fold:

We don’t value God’s Word enough.
We allow bad planning and distraction to steal our time in the Word.

The first problem is a heart issue.

For this, we need to be more intentional to pray that God would give us a deeper love for His word. We need to read Psalm 19 and ask God to help us love and treasure His Word as the Psalmist does. We need to take time to read helpful books like Women of the Word (Jen Wilkin) or A Place of Quiet Rest (Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth).

Staying stuck in a place of apathy toward the Bible isn’t going to help us have a consistent quiet time. This needs to be addressed first. Then, as we address our heart issues, we need to take steps to address our practical issues. That is what I’m going to focus on for the rest of this post. I personally believe it’s the little things that often get in the way of having a consistent quiet time. I’ve seen 4 specific problems arise in my own life plenty of times, and I’m guessing you’ve seen them in yours too. By overcoming these routine obstacles, we can greatly improve the quality and consistency of our quiet times.

4 Reasons You’re Struggling to Have a Consistent Quiet Time:

1. You don’t make a plan the night before.

The most “successful” quiet times always begin the night before. Rather than turning out your light and hitting the sack, take 3 minutes to look at your calendar and decide when you’re going to have your quiet time the next day. When you find a good spot, add it to your calendar or write it on a note. By planning the night before, you will set yourself up for success the next day.

2. You don’t have a good Bible reading plan in place.

Raise your hand if you’ve ever sat down to read your Bible, only to stare blankly at the pages? Guilty! This often happens when we’re not sure what to read or study. The desire is there, but our lack of planning causes frustration and confusion. Prior to sitting down with your Bible, decide ahead of time what you’re going to read. Maybe you want to read through the entire Bible? Maybe you want to study one Old or New Testament book? Maybe you want to read through the Psalms and Proverbs. Whatever it is, come up with a good plan before you sit down.

For some additional ideas on how to read your Bible, check out this post: 5 Helpful Ways to Study Your Bible Each Day

3. You don’t have regular accountability.

There’s a reason people hire personal life coaches to help them succeed in difficult areas of their life. One word. Accountability. Just knowing that someone is going to consistently ask you about a particular area of your life is enough for most people to stay consistent. You need this for your quiet time too. Is there anyone in your life asking you how you’re doing spiritually? Does anyone know about your personal quiet time routine? This needs to be a priority. Whether it’s your mom, a mentor, a woman a church, or a mature friend — ask someone to hold you accountable in this area of your life.

I personally believe that having a mentor is one of the best ways to gain consistent accountability. If having a mentor sounds like a great idea to you, I would personally love to mentor YOU over the next 8 weeks. Bethany and I actually created an 8 week online mentorship course and we would be honored to have you join us for it. Registration closes on March 6th (the mentorship program begins March 9th), so grab your spot soon if you’re considering joining us. Learn more here.

4. Your phone distracts you from concentrating on your Bible.

Technology can be the biggest blessing and the biggest curse. Amen? My phone has been the cause of distraction far too many times during my quiet time. Just this past week I asked the ladies in my Church small group to hold me accountable to not getting on my phone until after my quiet time is done. This has been so helpful for me! I can’t encourage you enough to do the same. In fact, just leave your phone on silent in a different room during your quiet time. Do whatever it takes to give yourself undistracted time for the most precious part of your entire day — time with the Lord.

The struggle is real, but it doesn’t have to overtake us.

Which of these 4 areas have you seen hindering your quiet time lately? Share your thoughts with me below!

For some additional insight into what mine and Bethany’s personal quiet times look like each day, check out this video: What We Do for Our Morning Quiet Time. And for helpful tips on how to pray consistently, you’ll love this post: How to Pray Every Single Day

PS I really hope you’ll join me for the 8 week mentorship course. I truly believe this program could be a turning point in your spiritual life. Registration closes March 6th, so grab your spot soon. Learn More.

February 24, 2020 by Kristen Clark

What it Means to Find Your Entire Identity in Christ

If you grew up in church or have been in a Christian community for any length of time, you’ve probably heard the phrase, “you need to find your identity in Christ.” As true and amazing as this is, what in the world does it actually mean?

It’s easy to toss around Biblical phrases, but if we don’t actually understand what they mean, they will have no impact on our lives because won’t know how to truly embrace them.

We’ll find ourselves more confused and frustrated than before.

In this video, we unpack what it actually looks like to find your identity in Christ and how to begin embracing this reality in your life today.

PS Registration for our 8-Week Online Mentorship Course is now open! We hope you’ll make plans to join us for this unique opportunity to be mentored in a personal way, plus connect with Christian sisters from around the world. The course begins March 9th and registration closes March 6th. Click here for more info.

February 19, 2020 by Kristen Clark and Bethany Beal

Christian Girl, You Don’t Need to Love Yourself More to Find Lasting Worth

She stood in the bathroom on top of the counter, looked into the mirror and started reciting her morning pump-up mantra.

“I am awesome” “I am amazing” “I am the best!” “I can do anything”

With a final look of confidence and a smile at herself through the reflection, she went along with her day. This little girl’s mom uploaded the video to social media and it went viral. People from across the world were praising this video and commenting on how much we could learn from this little 6-year-old girl.

This isn’t the only self-pump-up video online.

There are dozens of these sorts of “you’ve got this” videos trending all of the time. In fact, it’s not just videos of little kids giving themselves pep-talks that are trending, it’s pastors of churches having their congregation speak empowering words of self-love over themselves. It’s self-love meditation practices. It’s books and magazines discussing the importance of looking inward, finding one’s truth, and loving oneself more.

From the surface, these practices seem like a good idea. Isn’t self-love important? Don’t we need to build ourselves up to more? In a world filled with so much negativity, isn’t this a positive combative solution? With such low numbers in self-esteem, shouldn’t we focus on esteeming ourselves as much as possible?

The Biblical solution may be different than we think.

In fact, I believe the world’s solutions to self-worth and self-confidence often do more harm than good in the long run. These kinds of pep talks can only last so long. What happens when you’re genuinely not feeling awesome? When you truly disappoint someone? When someone disappoints you? When you look in the mirror and say, “I am perfectly amazing” but deep inside you know you know you’re not perfect.

What about when life is too hard and loving yourself more isn’t cutting it?

My proposed solution to finding true confidence, worth, love, value, and purpose has nothing to do with looking in a mirror and pumping ourselves up. I think it’s deeper than looking inward and speaking a self-help mantra over our hearts. I don’t believe it’s dependent becoming better, smarter, or more awesome.

Now, please don’t misinterpret where I’m going here.

I’m not advocating a mindset of self-hatred or self-deprecation. I’m not saying we need to despise ourselves or speak negatively about ourselves. That’s not a Biblical response either. What I’m getting after here is the deeper question of “how do we actually obtain true worth, value, and love?” As I’ll share below, I don’t believe it’s found by focusing on loving ourselves more, but rather loving our Creator more, and then learning how to embrace His love for us.

The Biblical solutions for lasting worth, value, and love are the opposite of what the world has to offer.

3 Biblical Solutions to Feeling Truly Confident and Loved as a Woman (even when you’re having a bad day) :

1. Start By Admitting That You Aren’t Enough.

You don’t have to be enough. The Biblical truth is, we are all sinners in desperate need of a Savior. A proper understanding of who we are as sinners in need of a Savior will help us to better understand who God is.

“We are born sinners, and for that reason, we are unable to do good in order to please God in our natural state, or the flesh: ‘Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God” (Romans 8:8).

We were dead in our sins before Christ raised us to spiritual life (Ephesians 2:1). We lack any inherent spiritual righteousness in and of ourselves.

No one has to teach a child to lie; rather, we must go to great lengths to impress upon children the value of telling the truth. Toddlers are naturally selfish, with their innate, although faulty, understanding that everything is “mine.” Sinful behavior comes naturally for the little ones because we are all born sinners.

Because we are born sinners, we must experience a second, spiritual birth. We are born once into Adam’s family and are sinners by nature. When we are born again, we are born into God’s family and are given the nature of Christ. We praise the Lord that “to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God —children born not of natural descent . . . but born of God” (John 1:12–13).” – GotQuetsions.org

Admitting that we aren’t enough (and can never be enough on our own) is truly freeing. We are then able to turn our eyes to the One who is enough, and look to Him for our new identity.

2. Recognize that God Never Commands Us To Love Ourselves More.

We need to slow down and look carefully at the Bible. Nowhere in Scripture do we see God commanding us to love ourselves more. Why? Because God know that “looking out for self” is our natural default. Being self-focused is our natural default. Thinking about ourselves more (whether in a positive or negative light) is something that every human on earth does naturally. Even when we wrestle with negative and hateful thoughts about ourselves, our eyes are still turned inward, focussing on ourselves.

As one author put it, “The statement ‘love your neighbor as yourself’ (Mark 12:30-31) is not a command to love yourself. It is natural and normal to love yourself—it is our default position. There is no lack of self-love in our world. The command to ‘love your neighbor as yourself’ is essentially telling us to treat other people as well as we treat ourselves. Scripture never commands us to love ourselves; it assumes we already do. In fact, people in their unregenerate condition love themselves too much—that is our problem.”

Rather than trying to find love and worth by esteeming ourselves more, we need to look up at the One who made us.

We don’t need more self-love, we need more God-love. The more we esteem the One who is worthy, the more we will see how loved and valued we are as His redeemed daughters.

No amount of self-love or self-esteem can give us the fulfillment we are truly looking for. That must come from Someone greater. Someone who can look at us and tell us who we really are. I love the passage in Ephesians 1:3-14 that talks about who God says we are as His children. Here are a few of the words He uses to describe us.

Chosen. Adopted. Forgiven. Redeemed. Sealed. Obtained an inheritance. To the praise of His glory.

I love this song by Hillsong Worship that talks about who God is and who we are. Give it a listen: Who You Say I Am.

3. Believe that Jesus is Enough and as His Redeemed Daughter You are Enough in Him.

Jesus is enough. We never have to be enough. In Him, we have every ounce of love, worth, and purpose that we could ever have hoped or dreamed for. Think about it. God didn’t send Jesus to this earth to teach us how to pump ourselves up and find worth within. No. He came to give us His life because we could never be enough. We could never save ourselves. We could never do what only a perfect, loving, amazing God could do. He gave life and redemption to a lost and broken people. That’s us. That’s you and me.

“But to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God.” John 1:12

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” 2 Corinthians 5:17

Let’s claim our identity as God’s redeemed daughters and look to Him. Let’s choose to focus on loving our amazing Savior instead of loving ourselves. The more we focus on Christ and understand all that He did for us, the more we will find that all-satisfying love that we so desperately crave.

When You’re Feeling Down, Turn to the One Who Loves You Wholly and Fully.

The next time you’re feeling down, or in need of a “pump up talk,” I encourage you to open your Bible to Ephesians 1:3-14 and read those verses over your heart. Allow the truth to empower you and give you the hope you need for that day.

I would also love to invite you to the 2020 Girl Defined Conference happening on July 31st – August 1st. I will be teaching a breakout session on this very topic. You can grab all of the details here: 2020 Girl Defined Conference