It’s been a while since Dāv and Bethany have been on YouTube to answer your questions about dating, marriage, sex, age-gaps, the “FIRST” time, and becoming parents.
We took to @girldefined Instagram to gather your questions. Here are a few that you all asked.
“Were you nervous about the first time?”
“What if your child doesn’t believe in God?”
“How will you keep your marriage strong?”
The past few years have been a whirlwind. I started a relationship with Dāv back in October of 2017. We got married in October of 2018. Found out that we were pregnant in June of 2019. And are due with Davey Jr. in February 2020.
Those are all pretty huge life changes and landmarks in my life.
Many of you have followed along with my life’s journey and have been such an encouragement along the way.
For those of you who are new to this space, here are a few of the videos and blog posts to catch you up to this point in time.
Bethany and David Engagement Story
Bethany Talks Engagement and Marriage
Was Being a Virgin on My Wedding Night Awkward?
Newly Weds Answer Your questions about Love, Purity, and Marriage
Baby Boy and Pregnancy Updates
Over the past few years, I’ve been pretty open about each stage of life. The reason that I want to share my story with you is that I personally find it so helpful to know the stories behind the facts. I don’t just want to know that you started a relationship and got married. I want to know how in the world you found a godly man, what the relationship process looked like, how you knew he was the one, and what the early months of marriage actually looked like.
There is so much we can learn from one another if we’re willing to open up our lives and allow each other to see what God is doing. Through the ups and the downs. The easy and the hard. The Joys and the sorrows.
Doesn’t everyone’s? I’ve talked a lot about the lessons I learned during that season and shared the importance of not settling out of desperation. Life often feels so hopeless and empty when we don’t know the future. When we don’t know if things will ever change.
Trusting God with the unknown can be really hard.
Throughout my years of being single and praying for God to bring me a husband, I learned one very important lesson. God is good and He can be trusted.
That lesson has carried over into my marriage and sustained me in ways I never could have imagined. Marriage is only as wonderful as the two people make it. If two people go into marriage with a self-serving mindset, it’s going to be a disappointing and unfulfilled marriage. If two people go into marriage with the mindset of loving, serving, and giving to the other, it’s going to be much more satisfying.
Marriage should never be about what you can get out of the other person, but about what you can give.
My first year & a half(ish) of marriage to Dāv has truly been wonderful. It’s not been wonderful because we’re perfect. It’s been wonderful because we’re both committed to loving, serving, and putting the other before ourselves. We’re committed to resolving conflict in a peaceable and biblical way. We’re committed to seeking out mentorship and counsel whenever needed. We’re committed to having godly friendships and good community. We’re committed to being a team and not allowing our emotions to overtake what we know to be true…that we love each other and truly want the best for the other.
If you’d like to grow in your understanding of marriage (whether you’re single or married), I strongly recommend grabbing a copy of Tim Keller’s book, The Meaning of Marriage. That book was a game-changer for Dav and me. It casts a vision for what marriage was truly intended to be. I encourage you to grab a copy.
Dav and I were about seven months into our marriage when we found out we were pregnant with our first little baby.
From the beginning of our marriage, Dav and I had both agreed to entrust God with that area of our lives. We would enjoy our marriage and trust that God would give, or not give, us children as He saw fit.
That mindset was very peaceful for the two of us. If I could go back in time, I would do the exact same thing all over again. I have no regrets. I don’t wish that we’d been married longer before having kids. I’m so grateful that God gave us a child in His perfect timing.
The first few months of pregnancy were pretty rough.
I already struggle with migraines and that first trimester only made it worse. I was in bed with a migraine more than I was out of bed feeling well. I felt like my life was on a cycle of coming out of a migraine and going straight back into one.
Thankfully that cycle eventually ended and my body slowly returned back to “normal.” A new normal of being pregnant and prepping for our sweet baby boy.
My biggest struggle with pregnancy were the changes taking place inside and outside of my body. I just wasn’t prepared for how those changes would make me feel. I wasn’t prepared for the interesting comments people would make in regards to finding out I was pregnant.
“Are you just really bloated or are you pregnant?”
“You really should consider going on a diet. You’ve gained a lot of weight since I saw you last. Just kidding. I know you’re pregnant!”
“You are huge!!!”
Dealing with a changing one body is one thing. Having other people make strange comments to you is another thing.
I know my body is changing and I need to see the beauty in that. I don’t have a waist anymore. My legs look nothing like they used to. Cellulite has overtaken me in ways I never knew possible. The veins and bright marks covering my thighs and rear are making their appearance. My chest is growing and many of my dresses and shirts no longer fit.
I’m not one of those gals who could sport a swimsuit on the beach and look like they attached a baby bump to her pre-pregnancy body. That’s just not my story and that’s okay.
God has been teaching me so much and showing me the beauty of those marks and changes. His design for pregnancy and bringing new life into this world is incredible. Instead of feeling insecure over these new marks, I want to focus on giving thanks and rejoicing over the good gift God has so graciously given to me.
In about four weeks I will welcome my first child and son into the world. My life will forever be changed as a result. I know this is a huge privilege and I’m very grateful for this opportunity God has given to me.
Even though becoming a mom is a huge deal in my life, it’s not the most important thing about me. My priorities will continue to be God first, my husband second, and my kids third. Making sure my priorities remain straight is important to me.
Dāv and I are committed to keeping an open line of communication between us to make sure that our relationship remains strong and healthy. We’re committed to being a team as we venture down this new road of parenthood together.
Many of you have asked how I’m feeling about labor and bringing this new life into the world. To be honest, I am so excited. I feel like I’m on the countdown to the big race day. I actually feel a ton of anticipation and excitement about labor itself. I know it will be incredibly painful, but I view the pain with a lot of purpose. For some reason, that part doesn’t scare. It excites me.
After much research, visiting clinics, and interviewing different hospitals, birth centers, and midwives, we have decided on a homebirth. I love the idea of being at home in my comfort zone for this experience. Having witnessed several homebirths over the years, I feel very excited and confident about this decision for our family.
I can’t wait to record a vlog after the baby comes and share about the experience.
I have no idea what the future will look like after the baby comes. My plan is to take some time off and then jump back into Girl Defined after I’m settled into motherhood. It won’t look the same, but I hope to continue writing books and creating content. I love the sisterhood and I very much desire to be apart of this group.
We will see how that works out over the next few months.
That’s it!
Hopefully, that answers some of the questions you’ve been asking me through email and DM’s. I’d love to continue the conversation and answer any additional questions you might have.
Feel free to comment below letting me know if there are any specifics you’d like me to expand on.
Over the past year, the two of us have experienced some major highs and some major lows.
Kristen and Zack have been on a 9-year long journey of infertility and unfulfilled longings. They have experienced three miscarriages and a lot of heartache along with those losses.
Bethany and Dav started a relationship in 2017, got married in 2018, and found out they were expecting their first baby in 2019.
We’re two sisters experiencing very different seasons of life.
In today’s video, we open up our hearts and take you behind the scenes. We share with you the ups and downs of the past few years.
It had been over six years since I saw a positive pregnancy test. My first two pregnancies had tragically ended in early miscarriages. Since those early days of marriage, I often wondered if I would ever conceive again. As each new year slowly ticked by, my diagnosis of unexplained infertility loomed like a mysterious fog that wouldn’t lift. But here I was. Standing in my bathroom on a warm April afternoon, holding the most unexpected news in my hands. I was pregnant. Against all odds, I had conceived again.
I felt a surge of joy and excitement pulse through my body. But just as quickly, I felt a surge of fear and anxiety strike my heart too. What if this pregnancy doesn’t work out? What if I miscarry again? What if I tell my family only to watch them mourn another loss with me?
I wanted to embrace the joy of this miraculous news, but I was deeply afraid to celebrate. That’s when words from Psalm 138 gently reminded my heart of a life-giving truth: “The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever” (Psalm 138:8).
The outcome of my story was not in my hands, but in God’s. God was in control. He allowed this pregnancy to take place, and He would carry me through whatever path He called me to walk down. Whether joy or sorrow, God was with me. He was in charge of my story. My job was to follow Him and trust Him.
My doctor scheduled weekly appointments since my pregnancy was considered high risk. At my 8 week appointment, my eyes filled with tears as I saw the precious little heartbeat pulsing on the screen. I squeezed Zack’s hand as we both looked at the little beating miracle before us. Neither of my early two pregnancies made it past 6.5 weeks, so this appointment felt like a milestone victory.
The weeks continued to slowly tick by…until we hit 11 weeks. I was experiencing some light bleeding and decided to schedule an extra appointment to check things out. My heart was torn by fear and hope. As my doctor optimistically conducted the ultrasound, her demeanor suddenly changed. She got quiet as she observed the screen. Then, without looking at me, she sadly said, “I’m so sorry honey, but there’s no longer a heartbeat.”
My mind went still. I stared at the ceiling in silence, gripping Zack’s hand. Silent tears streamed down my face. I didn’t want to believe what I was hearing. This pregnancy was supposed to work out. This was the miracle that was supposed to have a happy ending.
As Zack and I made our way out of the office, down the stairs, and into the parking lot, I lost it. The flood gates opened. I cried a hard cry that I hadn’t cried in years. Zack held me close and cried too. We stood there sobbing in the parking lot until we couldn’t cry anymore.
The next few days were even harder as we told our family and friends. Everyone was devastated. Even though we received incredible support and love from those around us, the world felt black. I knew theologically that God was my hope…but I didn’t feel hopeful. I cried out to God, asking Him to give me a deeper trust in Him. He did. But it was a daily journey of ups and downs.
In the midst of this pain and grief, the story took another unexpected turn. Exactly one week after my miscarriage took place, Bethany found out she was pregnant. The joyous news came at a hard time for both of us. As you can imagine, I was still grieving my loss, but wanted to celebrate with my sister. She faced the same struggle.
Why would he take this baby from me? Why would He allow my sister to get pregnant at such a sensitive time? Why did He see fit to write the story this way?
The answers never came audibly. But deep down, God comforted my heart in ways that only He could. It was during this trying time that God brought the greatest peace to my heart. As I turned to His Word for strength, I was reminded again that, “The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever” (Psalm 138:8).
Even in the midst of pain, grief, loss, and unanswered questions, God had a greater purpose for me. And in that greater purpose, I knew that He loved me deeply. God helped to see that I could mourn the loss of my baby while at the same time rejoicing with my sister’s news.
Many of you have emailed me and DM’d me questions over these past 8 months asking how I’m doing with my loss and Bethany’s pregnancy. I have been deeply encouraged by your care and concern. However, I would be lying if I said that every moment has been a piece of cake. I am still grieving my loss and some days are harder than others. Some days I cry out of sadness for “what could have been.” Some days I cry for the baby that I never got to hold. Some days I just cry and just wish I were still pregnant.
One thing that God has been pressing into my heart is that I can weep and rejoice at the same time. I have the freedom to grieve my loss while at the same time celebrate my sister’s joy. With Christ’s strength working in us, I believe it is possible for all of us to do that at the same time. We don’t have to live exclusively in one camp or the other.
As Romans 12:15 so beautifully reminds us, “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.” Over these past 8 months, I have been encouraged by so many amazing godly sisters (online and in person) who are living this verse out with so much grace and love. Many of you have been supporting me 100% with your prayers and sympathy while at the same time supporting Bethany 100% with cheers and congratulations.
This is what it means to live inside both camps. We weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice. With Christ’s strength, we can embrace our own seasons of disappointment while simultaneously celebrating with those who receive the very blessings we desire.
The reality is, we will all face unfulfilled longings and disappointments at some point in our lives. I know I’m not the only one. How we choose to respond to these hard circumstances will either lead us down a path of sorrow and anxiety, or down a path of joy and contentment.
Throughout my whole marriage, I have seen God use my trials for good and He has grown me in my faith. He has deepened my walk with Him. He has helped me see that true joy isn’t about getting the “fairytale life,” but about finding true contentment in my relationship with Christ. God doesn’t promise me an easy life on this earth, but He does promise me complete and total satisfaction in my relationship with Him.
Over this past year, I have seen first hand that God has a unique and beautiful story for each one of our lives. His story is tailor made for each of us and will look different than those around us. Sometimes our story is filled with joy and celebration, and sometimes it’s filled with tears and grief.
Discontentment and friction often arise in our hearts when we forget who holds the pen to our story. When we look around and begin comparing our story to others, we lose sight of the fact that God has every person on a different path. His timing is not the same for all of us. His plan is tailor made for our individual journey and for our greater good.
When we fully trust God to write His story for our lives, we can look around and genuinely celebrate what He is doing in the lives of those around us. We don’t have to compare and despair, but rather joyfully celebrate His gifts and blessings that He gives to others. Regardless of what my future holds, I pray that God will always give me the strength and grace to weep with those who weep, and rejoice with those who rejoice.
Our hearts will be most content when we remind ourselves that we are not on this earth to build our kingdom, but to build God’s. And each of our unique life stories and journeys are a beautiful part of God’s greater and grander plan. I don’t know what my future holds, but I know the One who holds my future. And in Him, my heart finds peace and rest.
I would love to chat with you about this below.
You are so ready to be married. Everything seems to be 100% ready to go…minus the guy. If only God would bring him into your life quickly things could finally move along. Yep, that’s where many of us are finding ourselves.
BTW – If you missed Part 1 of the series, stop for a quick second and read that first.
You have the desire and the want-to, but there are no young men that seem to fit the bill. If only God would hurry up! Doesn’t He know that marriage is a good thing and you’d would be much better off as a married woman rather than as single one?
As much as I wish I could snap my fingers and magically give you a husband, I can’t. You can’t. It’s one of those things that we can’t force (at least we shouldn’t). It’s one of those things that we want so badly, but ultimately don’t have a way to make happen. Sure, sure…we could look around and snatch up the first cute Christian guy who winks at us, but is that really what we want? Of course not.
A man that will lead us, love us, protect us, and draw us closer to Christ. That’s what we really desire. And because that’s what we really desire, marriage seems to be far off and impossible to attain. Settling doesn’t seem like a good option. Living worried, anxious, and depressed doesn’t seem like a good option. Waiting around and doing nothing with your life until he comes along sounds like a waste of time.
So what’s a single girl to do with these single years?
I’ll tell you what she’s supposed to do. She’s supposed to thrive! She’s supposed to live passionately for the Lord. She’s supposed to live with purpose and intention. She’s supposed to make these single years count. She’s supposed to live with joy. She’s supposed to rejoice with others. She’s supposed to be a satisfied person in Christ.
If you find yourself in a season of waiting for marriage, I want to encourage you to do more than wait. I want you to thrive during this season. For however short or long it is, choose to thrive. As a woman who didn’t get married until I was 30-years-old, I can speak from personal experience. I can tell you that it is so much better to live intentionally than to live waiting in misery.
Instead of dreading my late twenties as a single woman, I decided to focus my energy on living like my life mattered. Instead of being a miserable single person, I was incredibly joy-filled and passionate about my purpose. Honestly, I learned to love my single years. I genuinely came to the point where I was okay being single for the rest of my life.
If you are single and ready to mingle with no one to mingle with, I encourage you to change your mindset. Don’t sit around waiting and wasting your life. Get off the couch, the computer, and the Netflix, and begin putting your energy in a fulfilling direction.
Here four areas that helped me to thrive as a single woman. These four areas helped me live a full and abundant life and I‘m sure they will do the same for you if you put them into action.
Four Steps of Action to Help You Thrive:
Community is a core aspect of thriving as a single. You need good girlfriends and you need a solid, Christ-centered community. Church is where I found most of my community. I was actively involved with my church in many ways. I attended the singles group, I volunteered on Sunday mornings, I attended church, I attended additional studies and I worked with the AWANA program during the week.
Church is your best friend as a single. If there are no good friends and no potential for community at your current church, consider seeking counsel on whether or not it would be wise to plug in somewhere else. The goal is to find a solid, gospel centered church and then choose to involve yourself. This will be a game a changer for you. The fellowship, service, and biblical teaching is exactly what single women need to thrive.
You’ve heard me talk about this multiple times, I’m sure. Truly trusting God is the key. You can’t thrive and live as God intended if you don’t trust Him with your life. Every day you need to wake up and choose to put your life and your love life in His care. Don’t worry about the future. Express your thoughts, your feelings, your concerns to God and then let Him do the work for you.
He is so big, so mighty, so awesome and He knows better what you need than you know. He’s got it. You can rest in that fact.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths” (Proverbs 3:5-6).
I started praying for my future husband when I was about 14 years old. I had a desire for marriage and I regularly lifted that desire up to the Lord. I asked Him to fulfill it and to give me a husband. If I am expressing my heart’s desires to God, I can rest knowing that He knows. He knows what I want and He has the plan. Instead of wondering and worrying, I just pray and trust.
Pray for more than yourself though. Pray for God’s blessing of marriage on your best friends and the girls at your church. Pray that God would raise up Godly men for the women around you. Pray for the marriages around you. Pray that God would strengthen them. The more you focus on praying for the blessing of others, the easier it will be to rejoice when others get the very things that you desire.
This is where the action gets real. You can’t just sit around and do nothing. You can’t just waste the time away having fun. You can’t just busy yourself in hopes to hurry these years by. These years are precious and they matter. Focus on living intentionally.
In my book, Love Defined: Embracing God’s Vision for Lasting Love and Satisfying Relationships, I share with you a list of ways I’m living intentionally. I would really encourage you to grab a copy and read the entire chapter. The chapter will go in-depth and show you how to truly thrive in this season.
These ideas are taken from Love Defined.
If you truly want to thrive in this season, you need to get serious.
In case you missed it, catch Part 1 of this series here.
Singleness.
It’s something we all face before getting into a relationship. Some single gals seem to thrive in and through this season. Some single gals don’t.
Whether you’re single and struggling, or single and thriving, you’ll find these questions and answers about singleness super relatable.
These questions are taken straight from the sisterhood.
“How do I not feel left out?”
“How do I not envy my friends getting married?”
“How do I deal with the unknown?” etc.
Our newest book, "Made to Be She: Reclaiming God’s Plan for Fearless Femininity" is available now!
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